#1163 Sayonara Sister!

Stay Tuned I am beginning a podcast called Selling in the Age of AI. We will kick it off in March and I hope you will give it a liaten.

I keep effing this up. But not with everyone. I am an NLP graduate.  I have studied communication for 30 years and have adopted some of the great tenets of superior communication, like listening more than I speak and being responsible for the results of my communication. It is like driving my car in that I don’t need to think consciously about all of it. I unconsciously take in body posture and tone, listen for word choices, notice micro-expressions, color changes, foot positions, etc. I take in many nuances that influence communication because I have practiced them for so long. I don’t need to consciously think about moving my foot from the gas to the break when I see red taillights in front of me; I do it. Good communication is like that, too.

So why do I still fall into some old programming when the proper triggers present themselves? I guess it’s the same reason folks get into fender-benders. No matter your mastery of a thing, you can still make mistakes.

I got into it with an associate a week ago, and it wasn’t the first time. As the conversation begins, I bring all my training to the forefront, ready to implement all I have learned and have a productive talk with a person I find difficult at best.

I start out fine. I ask questions, listen, and ask more questions.  Here’s the problem.  The answers are annoying. I cannot get past this person's language patterns.  There is a lot of judgment, superiority, pomposity, and fatalism, and each adverse event is said to be pervasive and permanent.

My lovely yogi-daughter Alicia wants me to use this difficult person in my loving-kindness meditation, mentally sending goodwill, warmth, and kindness as I picture him and repeat the mantras she has taught me. I know she’s right, and I try it, but the image becomes one of me taking violent retribution against this guy for the criminality of his communication style.

Of my hundreds of acquaintances and friends, only three or four fit this mold.

Some of the others that “push my buttons” are easier for me, and I only fall off the horse on one out of ten rides. I don’t possess the unconscious competence with these few that I do with others. These take work, but they’re worth it.

Let me wrap this up into what I believe needs to happen.  It’s easy to blame the few – after all, I have a huge body of evidence showing that I have easy and productive conversations (even difficult ones) with much of the world. But that would be letting myself off the hook. The one rule immutable for me is that I am responsible for the result of my communication.

I take that seriously and want to continue to bring my skills to the forefront with the more trying folks in my life.  I have been doing this, and I am improving. HOWEVER, the associate I mentioned earlier has to go.  I need to extricate myself from his acquaintance. I think of it like cutting through thick brush with a pocketknife. I can do it, but it will take a lot of time, and I will suffer many wounds, lose some blood, and need time to recover when I emerge on the other side of it.

I will find a better path – AND - keep that knife in my pocket.

We all have some folks that are tougher to deal with than others.  By and large, I’m a fan of using the skills to overcome difficulties, but sometimes you have to cut and run. As I age, I am learning this more and more.  My time on this planet is limited. If a book doesn’t grab my attention in the first 50 pages, I put it down and find a new one. With people, I give more than the equivalent of 50 pages, believing that if I figure out their map of the world, communication will be more facile and fruitful. This has proven out for me several times. I can lean into my skills, stay focused, and change the outcomes – much of the time.

However, I’ve also learned to finally recognize that 50th page in a person and say, “Sayonara, Sister!” Without regret.